This time last year, I still expected to be pregnant for another eight weeks. While some complications were being monitored, I really had no idea what was in store for me and my baby boy in the next few days.
I knew that I was unbelievably uncomfortable. I couldn’t imagine being pregnant for the next eight weeks, but I also couldn’t imagine having my baby prematurely either. The doctors never seemed super worried as we began weekly ultrasounds to monitor the extra fluid in my baby’s belly. So, you can imagine my surprise when I woke up to the familiar feeling of contractions at 32 weeks.
As we drove to the hospital that morning, I had a feeling that my baby might be coming. But I quickly shut that thought down. I believed they would stop the contractions, drain some fluid and send me on my way to stay pregnant for another two months.
Facing the unexpected
This is not what happened. After no improvement for me or my boy, he was born the next day with a swollen belly of fluid. Again I faced the unexpected.
As I reflect on this hard season, I can see that I faced this trauma as a stronger woman because of important lessons learned through Harper’s at-birth Down syndrome diagnosis. God was already teaching me to find joy in the unexpected.
Sometimes it’s ok to not know what is coming
I often talk about how I am thankful for our at-birth Down syndrome diagnosis. Because I got to spend my pregnancy joyfully anticipating the arrival of our first child. And I’m super thankful that I didn’t know what was coming.
If I knew last year that my baby was going to be born at 32 weeks, need emergency intestinal surgery on day two of his life and celebrate his first Halloween and Thanksgiving in the NICU, the anxiety and anticipation of the situation would have been paralyzing.
I’m finding that dwelling on the future, on the things I have no control over only holds me back from living a full life. I can rest assured in the future. Because I know and trust that God gives us the grace we need for each day.*
Take it one day at a time
Right after we received Harper’s diagnosis, a wise nurse walked in. She said, “You just have to take it one day at a time.” I recall this advice all the time. It became especially important as we walked through Eli’s NICU stay.
We don’t know what’s coming, but we can live presently today. Invest in the things that are important. We can build up a firm foundation that can weather all sorts of storms. God tells us to not worry about tomorrow because today is enough trouble on its own.
Celebrating the journey
With all the hardship we’ve faced with both Harper and Eli, the triumphs are that much sweeter. With each accomplishment I am amazed at what my children have overcome already in their short lives. Every little thing feels worthy of a celebration. Our journey might not be what I would have written. But I’m finding so much joy and reasons to celebrate along the way. Sometimes you have to wait longer for the celebration or look harder for that joy, but it can be found.
As we continue to walk down an unexpected path, I’m comforted knowing that God is near. He has provided us strength and patience to endure hard challenges. God has provided me a husband that is amazing in high-stress situations – what a gift! He has changed my heart and perspective to see joy in all circumstances, even the unexpected.
* I want to give a shout out to my friend Meg Walker. She has taught me so much about grace. If you want to learn more tune in to her podcast: Teach Me About Grace.
Amen.