Potty training a child with Down syndrome – Part 2

Potty training. We’ve been at it for almost a year with Harper. And my gut reaction is failure. Why is this so hard? Why am I taunted by all the little toddlers running around in underwear? Oh no, her brother is now behind too. The diapers will never go away.  

But when I put down the shovel. Stop the spiraling thoughts. I can see that there are so many lies I’m believing. 

The delays are real with Down syndrome

Down syndrome has real impacts on development. It is harder for Harper to master skills that seem to come to others with ease. It shouldn’t come as a shock to me by now. I watched and made peace with Harper’s slower development in sitting up, crawling, and walking. But sometimes I’m lured away from my reality and that is where trouble lurks. I exchange my patience, my peace, my joy for the hope of reaching a milestone quicker. 

And that is where I have recently found myself. Increasingly frustrated and impatient at the pace of potty training my daughter with a disability. It’s been harder for me to make peace with the slower development. I’m playing a more active role in this skill and it is giving me a false sense of control. If I just do more, then maybe we will get there quicker. So, when progress is slow it is easy to blame me for not doing enough. 

Potty training and inclusion 

Potty training also feels like the ticket to inclusion. If she is potty trained she will be more easily included. If she doesn’t get potty trained it will inhibit her participation. That’s what it feels like, even if it isn’t true. Because as kids get older programs and activities are not equipped to deal with diapers, so it falls on the parents to be there or choose not to do the activity. So, that’s why I feel all this pressure to get Harper potty trained. 

A new perspective on potty training

But when I take a step back I can more clearly see what is true. 

Over the last year, Harper has made major progress in potty training. When we started she had zero interest and would vehemently protest. Now it still can be a fight, but she will sit. And will have success a few times a week. Plus, at school, she does not fight at all. She is a willing participant in potty time. So, she knows the steps and she is practicing them – on her own time. While underwear and accident-free is the huge goal, she has checked off a lot of little steps along the way. I just needed to pause and reflect on how far we’ve come. 

Harper is not a failure. I am not a failure. We are both just doing the best we can each day. And honestly, it’s me that needs to change my attitude and behavior. The frustration that has been growing as we continually miss the ultimate goal has become an untameable monster. And I don’t like it. And I know Harper can sense my resentment as well. Which is why we are probably having a bit of a stalemate at this time. 

Making a sustainable potty training plan 

I know she is so capable. She has displayed the skills, but consistently putting them together has been a challenge. And it makes me wonder if I need to do more. Would she be potty trained already if I was more regimented? But a regimented schedule isn’t a guarantee. And I know for our family it’s not sustainable. 

Potty training has started to put a strain on our relationship. And I’m not ok with that. She will get there when she gets there. And this is just a part of my duties as a mom to a kid with a disability. Providing the extra support she needs as she grows and learns. 

But I don’t want to sacrifice my sanity, our relationship to maybe help her reach a skill faster. That I’m just not willing to do. So, for now again the lesson that keeps reverberating in my life – embrace Harper’s timeline. Slow isn’t bad. Just take it one day at a time.