How to ask better questions

A few years ago I was trialing a gym very close to my house. I walked into a Zumba class and this man approached me saying he knew me. I was taken aback at first because I did not recognize this man at all, but then he quickly said, “You are the girl that walks by my house every day.” Then it all clicked because I’m a faithful walker in my neighborhood. 

As I walk my neighborhood, there are a handful of friendly people that I often exchange a quick conversation with. What used to be conversations about the weather have now shifted to updates on Harper. The conversation usually starts with them asking how old she is now, followed by questions that assume she is meeting age appropriate milestones. These friendly, innocent questions sometimes sting, as it reminds me that my child is not meeting these milestones with her peers. Because Harper has Down syndrome she has to work extra hard to meet milestones that come easily to typically developing children. We know she can accomplish them, she just hasn’t gotten there yet. So, I respond to these questions with a smile and “not yet” or “she is working towards that.” 

Encountering this type of assumptive questioning got me thinking about how we ask questions to one another. Whether it’s making assumptions about a kids development because of age or size, our questions can unknowingly set people up for responses they don’t really wish to share. I realized I’m totally guilty of this as well! So, I’ve been thinking about how we can reframe questions to let people share what they truly want to share. Instead of milestone centric questions, below are some other questions you can ask parents.

Sample questions to ask parents

• What does your child like to do?
• What are you enjoying most about being a parent?
• Does your child have a favorite toy or activity? 
• Have you found any fun activities to do around town? 
• What is your child working on? 
• What’s something fun you’ve done with your child lately? 

So, next time you are chatting with a mom of a one year old, skip the question “are they walking?” and exchange it for “what do they like to do?”. 

We can extend this principal to asking questions to each other as adults too. Often we ask people about what they do. This can be such a loaded question. What if they are currently unemployed or dislike their job? This question inadvertently links our identity to what we do for a living instead of being able to share who we are. There are better questions out there to ask and I bet you will begin to see more fruitful conversations in your life if you stop asking people what they do for a living. I compiled a list of other small talk questions we can ask one another instead.

Sample questions to ask other adults

• What do you like to do for fun?
• How long have you lived in the area?
• Do you have any plans this weekend? (You can even go a step further and invite them to do something with you this weekend!) 
• Do you follow any sports teams? 
• Do you have any favorite restaurant recommendations? 
• What books, shows and/or movies are you into lately? 
• What’s something that makes you happy?

To sum it all up, having a child with special needs is really opening my eyes to a lot of things and one is how we ask one another questions. The next time you enter a small talk situation or are even chatting with your best friend, think about the questions you ask. Let’s have more fruitful conversations. The questions we ask matter!