When Harper was born my expectations of motherhood were rocked. An emergency c-section, NICU stay and unexpected Down syndrome diagnosis were a lot for this first time mama to handle. As time passed I made peace with my new reality with the hopes of a brighter future. A part of me figured since I endured this bumpy entry into motherhood, certainly when we looked to grow our family more it would be smoother. But it didn’t get smoother, in fact it got rougher.
Most of the things I’ve written about Harper have been from the other side once we were through, but I feel compelled to write now as we navigate how to wait well in uncertain times with our second child. I wouldn’t have chosen this road – it’s hard and lonely at times. I often wonder why us, but that doesn’t change anything and is unhelpful to dwell on.
My little baby boy celebrated one month, not on the monthly milestone blanket in his nursery, but instead in the warm confines of the NICU. This season is hard. I’m mothering my two children in two different places when I long to have our family together. But Eli is not ready to come home, so I have to wait. I’m trying to wait well as I endure these challenging circumstances.
For anyone finding themselves in a period of waiting, I wanted to share what I’ve been doing to persevere and not lose heart.
Clinging to God
There are a lot of unknowns in my life right now, but what I know is that God is good and I can trust Him. He will sustain me through this trial. I’ve already seen His work as we’ve been able to persevere through a traumatic birth, experience peace through surgeries, practice patience as we navigate a long NICU stay and receive overflowing support from our church, family and friends.
“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair…For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4: 8; 17-18)
Filling my mind with good things
So my little man can have breastmilk for his tender stomach I’m pumping and I’m happy to do this for him. However, it means that I’m strapped to my pump every 3-4 hours around the clock for about 15 minutes. In such challenging times I know I need to fill my mind with good things.
Social media quickly became too hard and triggering. I would pull up the feed to watch the highlight reels of other people’s seemingly smooth lives. And while I love TV, I quickly caught up on shows and came to a point of boredom. So, I’ve turned to books and podcasts to fill my mind with positive and encouraging messages. Here’s what I’m reading and listening to: (If you’ve got any recommendations leave them in the comments below!!)
- Sacred Rest: Recover Your Life, Renew Your Energy, Restore Your Sanity By Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith
- The Next Right Thing: A Simple, Soulful Practice for Making Life Decisions By Emily P. Freeman
- Hope When it Hurts – Biblical reflections to help you grasp God’s purpose in your suffering By Kristen Wetherell & Sarah Walton
- Risen Motherhood: Gospel Hope for Everyday Moments By Emily Jensen & Laura Wifler
- Rhythms of Renewal: Trading Stress and Anxiety for a Life of Peace and Purpose By Rebekah Lyons
- The Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey (podcast)
- The Lucky Few Podcast
- Risen Motherhood (podcast)
Community
Challenging circumstances can often make you feel isolated and alone. It’s easy for me to want to retreat, but it’s been helpful to continue to be around others. It gives a refreshing escape from dwelling on our circumstances and helps us feel more normal. This is especially helpful for my husband. While we still have needed space and time to be alone, I’m thankful for the community of friends and family we have available to connect with when needed.
Rest
I’ve been learning a lot about rest right now. I actually started reading Sacred Rest before all of this happened. I was feeling the lack of rest in my life and wanted to do something about it. With my work responsibilities on hold right now and my new baby in the NICU, I find myself in this very strange season that lends itself to a different pace. I’m trying my best to not put pressure on myself to do too much, but to focus on enjoying time with my family (even if it’s not all together).
We are still very much in the thick of it right now. We have our ups and downs, but for the most part are hanging in there. These things have really helped and I pray that it continues for the remainder of this waiting season.
Love you, Laurie.
Love you friend! Your pursuit of stillness in this season is so faithful. Continuing to pray!
Praying for you. Lots if love.
I, too, am in a place in life where there is much waiting and uncertainty. This is what I know: Going slow is essential. Never, every underestimate the value of self care, whatever that is for you. Sending support and care.